Harry Potter and the Cheesecake
by quicksilver009
Summary: Harry learns a lesson about buying off-brand when he finds a delicious cheesecake. Moral of the story: Only buy from brands you know!


Harry Potter and the Cake of Doom

Harry and his best friend Ron were windowshopping when suddenly Harry saw a cheesecake sitting in the window. Pressing his face and hands against the window so it squished down his features and made him look like a gecko, he saw the most beautiful dessert he had ever seen in his life.

The cheesecake was a smooth white and had white chocolate shavings on top. One slice was taken out so he could see what was inside, and there was strawberry filling and chocolate.

"Harry? Are you okay?" asked Ron.

"I must have that cheesecake!" Harry exclaimed. They walked into the store, where Harry bought that flavor.

Later he took the beautiful cake home to consume it. He savored every bite he took until at last he was done with the last slice, somewhere around midnight. He burped in a sign of satisfaction.

"What a cheesecake!" he said. "That was wonderful!" Then he randomly looked at its package. "Geesecake Factory. Fat grams: 30g in one slice. Calories: Too many to count. Note: No geese were harmed in the process of making this cake. None of our geese on the farm are actually made into mincemeat. Do not sue us if strange things start to happen because this cake has side effects." He put down the package and looked up in his chair. "Geesecake Factory. How come I never heard of that brand? Hmm..."

"MWAHAHAHAAHA!" Voldemort laughed from back home at his secret lab. "He fell for it! He took the cake, hook, line and sinker! I rawk! I rawk!" He did a little happy dance.

"This cheesecake is so delicious," said his hunchbacked servant Juan. "Does it have geese in it?" A goose walked past him.

"No, it does not contain geese! How many times do I have to tell you?" Suddenly Juan started honking. Voldemort was very surprised. "My mistake. A goosefeather must have accidentally landed in the recipe!" Looking into the crystal ball that sat on his workbench, he saw Harry was honking as well. "Yes! I'll have him now! Hahahaha, I'm so smart...ha."

The next day Harry waddled to school and forgot to put his shoes on because his feet had magically turned yellow and grown webs.

"Harry! What's wrong with your feet?" asked Hermione, her flaming hair spilling over her nice shoulders.

"There's nothing wrong with my feet," he answered.

"You have goosefeet!"

"I do not! I'm a size 10!"

"Literally!"

Harry looked at his strange feet. "I don't see nothing."

"What kind of cheesecake did you eat yesterday?"

"Geesecake Factory Cheesecakes."

Hermione's eyes bugged and her flaming red hair promptly caught flames. "Harry! That cheesecake has side effects!"

"It does?"

"You should go to Mungo's Clinic now!"

"Naw, I'll get over it in a few days. See you in class!" He waved his friends Hermione and Ron good-bye as he headed to Fortunetelling.

"Hermione! Your hair's on fire!" exclaimed Ron. Hermione looked up, her eyes bugging, and felt the heat with her hands. Then she ran around in circles.

"Aahhh!! Put it out! Put it out!" she screamed. Ron threw a few Water spells at her, making her very wet but stopping the fire. "Thank you, Ron! You're a real friend!"

He looked at her shirt and had something different in mind. "Uh, are you wearing a bra?"

"That's none of your business!"

Malfoy and his gang looked at Hermione's wet t-shirt as well. "Hermione, you got a hot bod!" Malfoy commented.

"Ooh, she's got something on top!" said a random boy. Soon everyone was around her.

"Oh, brother..." she said.

Harry Potter ate another piece of Geesecake Factory cheesecake that same night. This time it was chocolate, decorated by candy goosefeet around it. Its centerpiece was three marzipan feathers arranged in a circle. Licking his lips, Harry ate this cake. He enjoyed it.

The next day he was at school, he noticed he felt much hotter. White feathers had grown all over his body, vaguely giving him the appearance of the Aflac duck. He also had the urge to begin wearing sailor tops with no pants.

"Harry! What the hell is wrong with you?!" Hermione interjected.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"No! Pants!" Luckily his crotch was so covered over by feathers you would never know he had a crotch.

"Donald Duck doesn't wear pants!"

"He's a duck!"

"No! He's a goose!" said Ron. "Harry, it must be because of that Geesecake Factory cheesecake, isn't it?"

"Maybe."

"See you get expelled in class for no pants," said Hermione before she headed to Biology.

"No one will expel me because I'm speshul!" said Harry. "So ha!"

It was the third and last day of cheesecake for Harry. The third cake he purchased from the random store had a marzipan goose on top, blissfully swimming in a buttercream lake colored by Blue Lake #3 and frosting grass of Green #5. Drooling, Harry cut a slice for himself and consumed it within minutes. It was delightfully minty with a hint of cinnamon spice. An hour later the cake was gone, as Harry had worked his way through the entire way through the cheesecake. He went to bed and slept, where he dreamt of flying geese...

"Yes! He ate the whole cheesecake!" said Voldemort.

"The plan went accordingly," said Snape.

"Tomorrow, we bring him to our lair, and we tempt him to eat the biggest cake of them all! The CAKE OF DOOM!"

"And we'll be free of the Potter boy forever! Then we'll have pizza."

"With anchovies."

"I don't like anchovies. I say we get it with Shiitake mushrooms."

"Anchovies, oregano spice, alfredo sauce, sharp cheddar cheese, and unicorn flesh!" Snape wrinkled his nose. "Oh, alfredo sauce doesn't sound appetizing?"

"No, it doesn't. I prefer my pizzas with salsa."

"Well, us villains had better not kill each other over pizza. We gotta come to some conclusion."

"I get my half with the toppings I want while you get your half with the toppings you want. Sound fair enough?"

"I get anchovies for three-quarters of the pie!"

"Oh no you don't! I get half!"

"That's fair. Now, since we can't fight each other in a supercool battle, let's watch a lecture on Queen Elizabeth II on Discovery Channel." censors us so we can't have fics with living people in them anymore, so I used the dead queen instead. Long live the 1500's!

The wizards plopped down on the beanbags with some chips and watched a documentary that was as exciting as watching paint dry on grass while it grows.

Harry Potter awakened the next day to find he was a goose. Somehow his clothing had stretched to accommodate the new size of his body, as he was about as large as Howard the Duck, but with a longer neck.

"This is embarrassing!" he said, looking at himself in the mirror. He quickly walked into Hogwarts and tried to find help. He ran into Dumbledore (Dumblydore for some).

"Potter! Watch where you're going!" said Dumblodore. Potter flapped his wings and honked. "What is that, Potter? You sound an awful lot like a goose!"

"Honk! Honk! Honk!" he honked.

"Harry, I can't understand a word you're saying. Do you have a cold or something?" Harry pantomimed to himself. "Potter, I don't understand what you're trying to get at. I have to go to the office. Write me a note if you need anything!" The professor walked away.

Frustrated, Potter walked to Snape's class in hopes of finding help. There, it was TRAP!

Snape was with Voldemort!

"Honk! Honk! Honk!" Harry said.

"Hahahaha, foolish boy! Don't you know not to buy brands you can't trust?" asked Snape. Harry, the giant goose, shook his head. "There's a saying about having an 800-pound gorilla in a room, but now we can invent one for having an 800-pound goose in a room! Haha!" Snape and Voldemort lamely laughed together.

"Hey! Doncha know it's wrong to make fun of fat people?" said Harry.

"The goose talks! Haha!"

"Hey man, I'm not this because I wanted to be this way, I'm this way because I have big bones!"

He heard a pause coming from Snape and Voldie. "Harry, I was expecting you to say something halfway intelligent, not simply repeat what you see on the telly," said Voldemort. "You know, it's something called being yourself. You might have had a perfectly logical explanation to offset our tomfoolery but instead you copied Cartman from that one show. Can't you make your own lines?"

"Good point, man."

"Let's kill him!" the pair said, throwing a black blanket over Potter. Everything went black for convenience of the author. Fantasy characters faint a lot anyhow.

Harry the goose awakened in a huge room carved from a cave where there was an impossibly large cake in the center, a balcony on the side precisely for the villains to watch, and a hole in the ceiling for light to come through.

Harry approached the richest cake in the world, which sparkled unnaturally from edible glitter put on top of it. This wasn't any cake, this was the CAKE OF DOOM!

It was sliced open so he could see its rich, rich interior, guaranteed to clog one's arteries in less than a minute—it was chocolate with buttercream icing four inches thick on top and cherries. Its top also had candycanes arranged around the edge, pure sugar, sugared candy fruit, and Swedish Fish. The cake itself was filled with candy crap like sprinkles, sourballs, gummy worms, jellybeans, pieces of 100-year-old fruitcake, sweetened tofu mincemeat, dates, and figs. Finally its top and bottom had Danish buttercookies filled with cholesterol in between the sheets.

Harry, who was almost completely a goose by now, wanted this cake more than anything. One 1/100th of a slice could make him sick, but it would be heaven on wheels!

"Take the cake, Potter boy," Severus Snape said, rubbing his hands together. "It's heaven! It will be the last thing you ever eat! Hahahahaha!"

"Hahahahahaha! I have Potter at last!" said Voldemort.

Harry thought for a while. First he thought about what he had learned from his Nutrition class and his heart. One piece equaled a guaranteed heart attack. He also thought about his experience of turning into a goose: what if this cake didn't kill him but instead turned him into another creature, like a frog? He didn't want to be a giant frog for the rest of his life! It was hard enough already being a goose.

"Severus Leventarum!" he exclaimed. The spell lifted Snape from the balcony and threw him prone onto the cake. "I've made my decision. I want to live long enough to watch Voldie get PWNed!"

"How dare you, Potter! First you call me coward and now put me in an insanely large cake! Cakes are for girls!"

"Nyah-nyah! Sissy boy sissy boy!" Potter teased like a mature teenager would.

"Must...resist...temptation...to...eat...can't...resist!"

"Snape, no!" Voldemort cried to his frenemy as Snape began stuffing large portions of cake into his mouth. Snape grew fatter and fatter where he was laying until he looked like Vladimir Harkonnen. The look was actually quite fitting.

"Voldemort...I love you!" He struggled to stand and pulled a cool pose before his arteries finally hardened from all the sinful richness of the cake.

"Noo-o-o-o-o!" said Voldemort. He jumped onto the cake and made Snape a diamond coffin, plagiarizing Paolini's idea for Brom from the original 'Eragon'. Voldie looked to Potter and pointed a finger. "Potter! I'm pointing at you! I shall kill you for this!"

"Since when don't you try and kill me?" Harry answered. "Honk! Honk! Honk! Sorry, but I gotta jet." He expressed his fanfiction writer's love of Starfox memes. He started to waddle away. "But if you kill me, you'll have no more Aflac insurance!"

"Nooooooooooo!" Harry successfully ran away from Voldemort. "Wait a minute...Aflac's a duck, not a goose. Ohgoshdarnit! I'm such an idiot."

Harry was no longer a goose back at school. Instead he was a normal dark-haired, slightly nerdish Gary Stu boy who had made his way onto the Quidditch team by luck, beat an evil wizard by luck, everyone knew him and his parents, all the girls wanted to sleep with him, and he wore round glasses, which made him look less sexy than he might have been. Whatever, it's his life, so I can't give him any fashion tips or whatever.

"Harry! You're not a goose anymore!" said Ron.

"Now I look sexy!" said Harry.

"I'm glad you're not a goose," said Hermione, "because now you have to wear pants again!"

"Exactly!" Harry answered. Donald Duck was a pants-less duck in Disneyland. LOL.

"Please don't get anymore of that Geesecake Factory brand cheesecake," said Ron. "That's bad stuff. It's off-brand. It might have lead in it!"

"Ron, you can relax because instead of Geesecake Factory brand, I'm eating Zombiebake Factory brand instead!" He magically pulled his new brand from the air. Hermione and Ron looked at this cheesecake with confusion. Unlike the Geesecake Factory cakes, this one was grey and decorated with piped-on bones and candy gravestones. Its nutrition facts said 1/16th of the pie had 40 grams of fat, 60 grams of carbohydrates, and a day's worth of salt in it. It also had the warning, Warning: May cause consumer to turn into a zombie. Can also cause hypertension. Do not eat this cake if you have pre-existing conditions such as heart trouble or high blood pressure. Company not responsible for customer deaths. No one forced you to eat this cake, did they? :P

Hermione and Ron looked each other, exchanging expressions of "Harry's nuts!".

"So? What do you think of my decision?" Harry asked. His friends looked back at him again, and burst out laughing.

"It's wonderful!" said Ron.

"Yes! Absolutely wonderful!" said Hermione. All of the characters laughed.

It did not take long for Harry to turn into a pillar of salt because he had eaten too much salt in his diet. He joined the Biblical statue, who rejected all of his plans for them going out together...finally it rained and Harry's salt-form melted into a puddle and someone harvested all of those good salt grains from him. That was the end of Potter.

The End!


End file.
